My Best Friend

Happy Valentine's Day Sweetheart, I love you with all my heart.  You're the only woman who has ever literally made my heart skip a beat. I still struggle to understand why you married me when you did, but I thank Heavenly Father every day you did.  I don't think it is a secret that before I met you I was incomplete and I was lost.  I was unambitious, complacent, and my life lacked purpose. You opened a whole new world to me, you made it okay for me to think that someday I could be better than I was.  You saw me for the man I could become and helped me realize how to get there.  It is because of you I can enjoy our journey together and I no longer think "I will be happy when  this or that happens." Thank you for being you, thank you for caring for Jaxon and Addison, and thank you for being my best friend.   I Love You.

                                 This is the oldest picture I could find on my computer






 I thought it would be interesting to read your first blog post

I'm sure everyone that will be reading this already knows our story, but I'm going to share it anyway so I hope you enjoy!

Dan and I were supposed to be set up on a blind date when we were both juniors in high school, he ended up going with someone else but a few months later we did go on a date and ended up having a lot of fun! For some strange reason though, he never called me after that date. Then, a few months after that, we ran into each other at the mall. (We both feel that was not a coincidence at all). That night he told me that he had received his mission call and would be leaving shortly to the Dominican Republic where he would serve for two years. We hung out a few times before he left and he asked for my address and off he went. We ended up writing the whole two years he was out and we got to know each other really well through letters. During that time I went to Ecuador and worked for 3 months in orphanages there and loved every second of it!!!

Dan got home from his mission on October 18th 2006 and we went on our first date on October 20th 2006. We dated other people for the first little bit while we were dating, but eventually we became a "steady" couple. On March 16th 2007 Dan proposed to me and we were married in the Salt Lake Temple on June 26, 2007 and lived happily ever after!

Big Brother

Before Addison was born I was really nervous about how Jaxon would adjust to having a sibling. I'm sure every mother feels like that. But I couldn't be happier with how Jaxon has adjusted. He is such a good big brother! I was worried about what he would do while I nursed her and I am SOOOO lucky that he has such an AMAZING imagination because we play pretend baseball, driving in the car, dinosaurs, basically he can pretend anything and I am so grateful for that because it allows me to sit and nurse her, and play and have fun with him at the same time. Whenever she cries he stops what he is doing to go check on her. He usually gets to her room faster than me and I hear him saying, "it's ok baby" and he strokes her hair. He will go in her room over and over again - every time she whimpers or cries until she is asleep. If he hasn't seen her in a while (when she is napping or when he wakes up in the morning) he asks where the baby is and wants to make sure she is ok. He loves to push her in her swing. He loves holding her and when I try and take her away he says, "no, its mine" haha. Today at church he grabbed his friend Carter by the hand and pulled him over to us and said, "look, it's baby Addison" and he was so proud. Tonight when we put Jaxon to bed - he asked to hold Addison for a second so I put her down by him and he held her and then kissed her forehead. It just melted my heart!

There is a "game" that Jaxon likes to play with Addison that Jaxon made up called FUNNY FACES. This started when Addison was a week old and I was holding her and Jaxon was sitting next to me and Addison was pulling some funny looking faces and Jaxon was laughing so hard. So now it has become a game that he likes to play with her. He jumps up on the couch when I'm holding her and says "funny faces!!!" so we wait until she does something funny (which Jaxon thinks everything she does is funny) and then he will make a funny face and then I will and we do this over and over again and laugh and laugh.

I just LOVE having 2 kids. I was really nervous about it and how our family would adjust but everything has gone so smoothly and we love having Addison in our family. I never thought it would be possible to love someone as much as I love Jaxon but I do and our family is closer than we have ever been. 

Sharing my struggle

Ashamed. Embarrassed. Heartbroken. Failure. Those are just some of the feelings that I feel. I'm talking about this because it isn't THAT common and hearing/reading other women's stories about their same struggle has helped me so maybe me writing/talking about mine will help someone else. 

My boobs are broken. They don't produce enough milk to feed my baby.

Not being able to breastfeed my baby is something I cry about at least once every single day. Some days I cry every time I feed her.

I do produce some milk and thank heavens she will still latch and suck so she is getting some breast milk. 

I have tried EVERYTHING that the lactation specialists-people-and online have suggested to bring in more milk - I am taking herbal supplements with Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle, I eat between 2200 and 2400 calories a day (which I am pretty sure I'm gaining weight but I don't step on a scale because I really don't want to know). I'm drinking a TON of water, I'm eating oats and special oatmeal cookies that are supposed to bring in milk as well. I'm letting Addy continue to suck after she finishes and I also pump and still - not enough milk. 

This happened with Jaxon as well, so from birth he breastfeed and formula fed until about 6 weeks when my milk totally went away and then he was totally formula fed. I cried and cried about it then and I told myself if it happened again I wouldn't get emotional about it and I would just be ok with it - that obviously isn't happening. 

I honestly thought that this time would be different because it's my second child and I was very prepared this time. I knew it might happen so I had done research and knew what I needed to do to increase my supply but unfortunately it hasn't been working. Addy is only 2 1/2 weeks so hopefully I can get more milk in, but since it has been at a steady 1oz I don't see that happening. My biggest fear is that she will stop latching and sucking because getting the bottle is much easier for her and so it will be even harder to keep my supply that I have now, let alone get more. 

Someone I talked to about this said "be grateful you can have kids" and believe me I AM!!! I am also grateful to live in a day and age where we have formula available and that the formula is (or is supposed to be) very close to breast milk. But I also am entitled to feel sad about something that I have wanted and longed to do with my child. Its not just about the milk - its about the bonding that comes with it and the feeling of knowing you are providing your child with the nutrients they need to not only survive - but thrive. I can't even explain why it hurts so bad that I can't do it, but it does!

I am not looking forward to the judgmental looks and comments I know I will be getting (just like I did with Jaxon) when I have to feed Addy in public and people decide to make a comment about how breastfeeding is so much better for your child - or they give me that look and shake their heads. I wish people would be more sensitive. If only they knew the pain I feel every time I make that bottle, or watch someone else breast feed their child. If only they knew how I die inside every time I hear the radio commercials about breast feeding and how much better it is for your child. If only they knew the hours I spend trying to make more milk and that I wish so badly I could breastfeed my child. 

Introducing Addison Rae Garner

Our sweet baby girl was born on Wednesday January 18, 2012 at 5:40pm. She weighed 6lbs 11oz and was 20 inches long. 

We love having her home. She is such a good baby and Jaxon loves having her around.

He likes to play the game "funny faces" with her which consists of me holding Addison while Jaxon and I just watch her and laugh at all the funny faces she makes. Jaxon laughs so hard - it is the funniest thing. I love that he loves her so much!

We are so happy to be a family of 4!

Birth Story

Addison's birth story:
If you read the last post, you know that the doctor was planning on inducing me on January 18th. I went in for my scheduled doctors appointment on the 17th and that was when I was going to get all the details about what to do and when to go in for the 18th, but I got VERY different news. The doctor informed me that due to insurance companies policies, they wouldn't cover me having the baby if I was induced before 39 weeks. On January 18th I would be ONE DAY SHY of 39 weeks. So my doctor said if my blood pressure had increased or if she could see any medical reason she would need to induce me - then she would do it and they would cover it. Unfortunately (and fortunately that I am in good health and so was Addison) she couldn't find anything wrong so she told me I would have to wait until she got back in town on January 24th if I didn't go into labor before then. When she checked me I was dilated 3-4cm and over 50% effaced so she kept asking me if I was feeling any contractions and if they were regular at all. I told her no and she said if I felt ANYTHING that I could time and was consistent to go straight into labor and delivery. I left that appointment so disappointed. I know its selfish and a lot of people would just say to wait until she came on her own but I really wanted to have her on the 18th for these reasons:
-Dan's first day back to school was technically the 19th but then he didn't have classes again until the 23rd so we figured it would be perfect if he only had to miss the one day and he could be with Jax while I was in the hospital and then we could spend the entire weekend together before he went back to school.
-I REALLY wanted my doctor to deliver me and I KNEW I wasn't going to last until my due date so I was worried I would have the baby while she was out of town and while I'm sure the on call doctor would have been just fine - I just felt very comfortable with this doctor who I switched to at 34 weeks and wanted her to do it.
I cried and cried when I left my appointment and prayed that she would just come on her own on the 18th anyway. I went to a Relief society activity that night and told all my friends who were expecting me to have the baby the next day the really sad news. When I got home I got out the treadmill and walked a mile, did some squats, showered and got my hospital bag ready hoping I would go into labor that night. I woke up the 18th feeling GREAT. My body felt better than it had in the past couple of months and I felt so discouraged by that because I figured there was no way I was going into labor. My friend Audrey called me and told me to bring Jaxon to her house (she was going to watch him while I had the baby) anyway and for Dan and I to go to a nice lunch (eating something spicy) and go on a long walk and see if that didn't put me into labor. If it did - great, but if not at least we would get a date before the baby came. I thought it was so sweet of her so Dan and I decided to take her up on that. We took the hospital bag with us just in case and went to Fuzzy's (a Mexican restaurant) for lunch. Afterwards we went to a park that is across the street from the hospital I was going to deliver at and I jogged around, went down the slide, swung on the swings, jumped up and down on this bouncy thing, and Dan and I laughed our heads off and got some pretty funny looks while doing all of this. When I got in the car I told Dan to just take me to the hospital. I was feeling some pressure that was coming every 10ish minutes - I didn't think they were contractions but since my doctor said ANYTHING that was consistent to go in - I had felt three haha so we parked the car, I walked up 4 flights of stairs to labor and delivery and when I got to the front desk I said, "I think I'm in labor" that was at 1:30pm - they took me to Labor and Delivery room number one, had me change into a gown and a nurse came in to check me. She said I was dilated to a 5 so to plan on having the baby! When she left the room Dan and I were so excited - I honestly didn't think they would keep me. I thought they would tell me I wasn't having contractions - it was false labor and send me home. We called Audrey and told her to plan on keeping Jaxon for a while longer - called our parents and got ready for miss Addison to arrive. They got me all hooked up to the heart monitor for the baby and the contraction monitor (and I was actually having contractions - they were just SUPER mellow compared to the ones I had with Jax so I had no idea I was having them). I was feeling so great though I just wanted to walk around to keep the labor progressing quickly. We waited in the room for over an hour before the nurse came back in (they were really busy that day - only one open room) and I told her I wanted to walk around because my contractions were still not consistent and had actually slowed down a little bit. She told me my doctor was on her way over to do a C-section so she would break my water and that would speed things up. My doctor got there at 3:00pmish and broke my water. They told me they needed to give me the epidural then (even though up to this point I was not in pain at all - just feeling some pressure from mild contractions) because there were several scheduled C-sections and they didn't want him to not be available when I needed it so I agreed and got the epidural. It was so easy, he did SUCH a great job and I asked him to give me a very low dosage so I could still have feeling. He agreed and the perfect amount was administered. All that was done and over with about 4:00pm - the nurse checked me and said I was a 6 and she would check on me again in about 40 mins to an hour, when she came back in an hour later at 5:00pm I was only a 7 so I was a bit discouraged but I could feel the contractions getting stronger and more intense. I was on my side at this point with pillows all around - very comfortable, trying to get some sleep. It wasn't even 10 mins after the nurse left that I started feeling A LOT of pressure and like I needed to push - but she had just checked me and told me I was only a 7 so I figured I would wait for a little bit and see if that feeling went away before calling anyone in. 10 more mins and I told Dan to get the nurse in there - I really felt like I needed to push - it was 5:20ish at this point. She came in, checked me and said I was at at 10. I was still on my side so she had me lift my leg and give a mild push for 10 seconds - I did, she told me to stop and she ran to get the doctor. Everything went REALLY fast from there. The doctor and a team of nurses came running in got everything ready and told me to push when I felt the urge to do so. I pushed two times really hard for 10 seconds each and Dan said, "wow look at all that dark hair" - the doctor told me to give a little push and I felt her head come out, then they said to give one more small push and she was out. They put her immediately up on my chest for skin to skin contact and it was the most amazing feeling to hold my little girl for the first time.

WARNING - this next part is kinda gross so don't read if you don't want to.
The plan was to have everyone leave the room after so we could have our family time for the hour we would be staying in the labor and delivery room, but I started bleeding really bad and they were not able to get it under control so they took Addison away from me over to weigh and measure her, and more nurses came in to help. This part was no fun. I had a nurse who was "kneading" my stomach with her fist so hard that even though I had an epidural, it still hurt so much worse than any of the labor pains and she kept apologizing telling me that I would be in so much pain after it totally wore off and she was very sorry. I could see them picking up several cloth things just soaked with blood over and over again, the doctor was getting covered in blood and I so I decided I better just not look so I wouldn't go into shock. My body was just shaking and I started getting a little worried but I felt very at peace so I knew everything was going to be fine. The doctor yelled something to one of the nurses who ran out and came back in with a big needle which she shot into my thigh. After that things seemed to get better. They doctor and nurses were able to finish everything up and give us the family time we wanted. We ended up staying in the labor and deliver room FOREVER because I think they wanted to make sure I didn't start bleeding again before they moved me to recovery. Dan was able to give Addison her first bath while we were in there and he did such a good job! They finally moved us to recovery and it was after 9 at this point. My sweet friend Audrey told us Jaxon could just spend the night so Dan would be able to stay with me. After a while we decided it would be better if Dan went home and got a good nights rest so he left around midnight and I tried to get some sleep. Around 4 in the morning I felt the worst feeling in the world - I felt blood just gushing out of me so I called the nurse and sure enough it was happening again. This happened with Jaxon so I guess I should have prepared for it but I thought since this labor was so short and went so well that I wouldn't have to deal with this part again. They had me walk to the bathroom and their was a trail of blood - I started feeling light headed and knew it was going to be a long night. The blood kept coming so they gave me another one of those shots in my thigh. This continued on and off until about 1:00pm on the 19th and every time it would happen they would "knead" my stomach which was so painful. After 2 shots and 4 pills of who knows what it finally stopped for good. But they wouldn't let me do very much walking or anything in case it started again.

On the 19th around 11:00am ish Dan and Jaxon came to visit and Jaxon met Addison for the first time. When he got in the room he didn't really know what to think and he kept asking me if I was hurt. Then we showed him Addison and he asked if he could hold her - he was SOOOOO excited and it was the sweetest thing I have ever seen! They didn't stay long because I started bleeding again, but they came back that night and we had a celebratory dinner provided by the hospital to celebrate our new arrival. After they left I was finally able to get unhooked from everything and walk around the hospital a little bit. The 20th was wonderful - I felt so much better and I knew I would get to go home and be with my family. They kept me at the hospital longer than I wanted so they could make sure I was ok - so around 5:00pm I finally got to go home!  Everything was great with Addison - she had passed all her tests, and was a healthy happy baby. All the nurses would comment on how good and mellow she was.

Since we have been home we have learned that she likes to sleep on her side more than her back. She pees and poops like a champ, and Jaxon just loves her. He is always asking where the baby is if Dan or I aren't holding her.

We are so happy Addison is part of our family and I couldn't feel more blessed and lucky to be the mom of such adorable children.