My boobs are broken. They don't produce enough milk to feed my baby.
Not being able to breastfeed my baby is something I cry about at least once every single day. Some days I cry every time I feed her.
I do produce some milk and thank heavens she will still latch and suck so she is getting some breast milk.
I have tried EVERYTHING that the lactation specialists-people-and online have suggested to bring in more milk - I am taking herbal supplements with Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle, I eat between 2200 and 2400 calories a day (which I am pretty sure I'm gaining weight but I don't step on a scale because I really don't want to know). I'm drinking a TON of water, I'm eating oats and special oatmeal cookies that are supposed to bring in milk as well. I'm letting Addy continue to suck after she finishes and I also pump and still - not enough milk.
This happened with Jaxon as well, so from birth he breastfeed and formula fed until about 6 weeks when my milk totally went away and then he was totally formula fed. I cried and cried about it then and I told myself if it happened again I wouldn't get emotional about it and I would just be ok with it - that obviously isn't happening.
I honestly thought that this time would be different because it's my second child and I was very prepared this time. I knew it might happen so I had done research and knew what I needed to do to increase my supply but unfortunately it hasn't been working. Addy is only 2 1/2 weeks so hopefully I can get more milk in, but since it has been at a steady 1oz I don't see that happening. My biggest fear is that she will stop latching and sucking because getting the bottle is much easier for her and so it will be even harder to keep my supply that I have now, let alone get more.
Someone I talked to about this said "be grateful you can have kids" and believe me I AM!!! I am also grateful to live in a day and age where we have formula available and that the formula is (or is supposed to be) very close to breast milk. But I also am entitled to feel sad about something that I have wanted and longed to do with my child. Its not just about the milk - its about the bonding that comes with it and the feeling of knowing you are providing your child with the nutrients they need to not only survive - but thrive. I can't even explain why it hurts so bad that I can't do it, but it does!
I am not looking forward to the judgmental looks and comments I know I will be getting (just like I did with Jaxon) when I have to feed Addy in public and people decide to make a comment about how breastfeeding is so much better for your child - or they give me that look and shake their heads. I wish people would be more sensitive. If only they knew the pain I feel every time I make that bottle, or watch someone else breast feed their child. If only they knew how I die inside every time I hear the radio commercials about breast feeding and how much better it is for your child. If only they knew the hours I spend trying to make more milk and that I wish so badly I could breastfeed my child.
I'm so glad you shared this, Lisa. I had so many problems bfing my first child, and so we had to supplement a lot. I was very sad- and it did feel like a failure at first. I finally just had to realize that I was doing what would work for my family (plus with the way my breasts worked, it wasn't like I had an alternative). While I would have loved to be a better breastfeeder, it didn't happen like that. I thought a lot of people would judge me, but in the end I actually found a lot of women who could support me and had been through similar things.
ReplyDeleteSince I am preparing for #2 (hopefully any day now!) I have been trying to get ready to do better this go around. I appreciate that you reminded me that sometimes it doesn't happen, for whatever reason.
Thanks for sharing your struggles. It is so helpful to know that other people have similar experiences. I love you, keep your chin up! -Anna
I feel ya Lisa. The most that I was able to breastfees any of my kids was about 2 weeks. And when I took them into their 2 week check-ups and they hadn't gained enough weight, I had to be ok with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to provide what my babies needed. I tried everything as well, but I just couldn't get it to stay in. People can be cruel. And it's awful. They dont understand what it's like to feel liek a failure and to feel like you aren't providing for your baby.
ReplyDeleteMy pediatrician had to remind me multiple times that formula nowadays is so close to breastmilk that I shouldn't feel bad about it. It was better for them to be getting the food they needed than to have them starve because I wasn't providing enough for them. I think hearing it from the doctor helped a lot.
As for the bonding, that was the hardest thing for me. I wanted that magical experience that everyone talked about. But I never had that because I was in so much pain everytime and just felt guilty cause I knew I wasn't giving them enough.Then I realized that I could bond just as much with a bottle and then it also gave John a chance to bond with them too.
I don't know if any of this is making sense or helping at all, but I just wanted to let you kow you aren't alone in this. Addison is gorgeous and so is Jaxon. I'm so happy for you guys!
Oh Lisa, you are so incredibly sweet and wonderful. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this again. I know that its a very hard thing. I remember how much I cried when Rhys wouldn't nurse and how it was the hardest decision of my life to just start giving him a bottle. I was luckier with Gavin, but we still had our struggles. I really hope that your body can do the things that you want it to do so you can get the bonding experience you want. I know that you are strong and that no matter what happens you'll get through it, but don't let anybody make you feel bad about being sad. There are things that people judge that are just none of their business. You guys are in our prayers! Love you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this, Lisa. I admit, it's one of my secret fears too, since I have no clue at this point if I'll be able to make enough milk either. I know that nothing anyone says will really make things better, but I want you to know that your family loves and supports you, and that Addy will be just fine no matter how she gets her food, because she has such an AMAZING mommy. :)
ReplyDeleteWith my first, from day 1 I was not able to produce anything, not one drop! With my 2nd I had a tiny milk supply but still had to supplement with formula! I was nursing pumping bottle feeding every second of the day for 6 weeks.. I was so frustrated and loosing sight of my precious new born baby, that Nate and I finally said, my sanity comes first. I should not be making myself feel so crappy about this entire experience, just stop!! Lisa as soon as I stopped putting myself through all of the frustration and gaining the "I don't care what others think attitude", life was so much more pleasant and I was able to enjoy this special baby to the fullest! Who cares what other people are going to say or think, give yourself some credit where it belongs!! You are an amazing Mother, and just because our babies were not breast fed doesn't mean they are any less brilliant or loved:) I love you Lisa and that Addison is just beautiful! Congrats again! Don't beat yourself up about not being able to control some things:) Have fun!
ReplyDeletePs... Dr Brown was so supportive in my decision to discontinue nursing... She said some women are able to and some are not, it does not matter!!
Hope that helps, I know you love her too:)
Lisa I completely understand! I still feel so sad when making James a bottle instead of able to breastfeed him. My milk supply lasted until 4 months or so, with supplements starting at 3 months. I also tried Fenugreek and all the things online. I tell Paul all the time how I just wish I could have that bonding time with just me and James still, and how it's one of the things I'm most excited about when we have a second child. Another chance of being able to breastfeed. Then I feel guilty at times I'm grateful I can give him a bottle while in the car and not have to pull over to feed. The judgemental looks are so hard! I feel the need to justify and explain everytime someone gives us that look. Espeically at church. Thank you for sharing! Keep up the hard work, and try and find comfort in knowing you're trying and that your sweet girl is getting the nutrients she needs.
ReplyDeleteThere's not much more I can add that people haven't already shared, but I wanted you to know that my Mom wasn't able to breastfeed any of us either for that same reason. She tried with Lolly for a month but they were both so miserable because Lolly wasn't getting enough to eat that she finally convinced the doctor to tell her how to formula feed her baby. (Back then the doctor wasn't supportive at all)
ReplyDeleteNone of the Shea kids were nursed, and we all turned out great. That bonding time can be what you want it to be, even if it's from a bottle.